Hi guys, today’s post is a bit personal but that’s what my blog is; personal ramblings and a lot of photography so I guess it fits the bill perfectly. Something that I want to talk about today is anxiety. Yes, that awful thing that creeps on you. Growing up I’ve dealt with anxiety but lately anxiety has hit me harder than it ever has before. So, here’s a story that happened recently:
I went for a little break with my boyfriend and everything was fine until I had a massive panic attack all of a sudden. It came about because I couldn’t go to sleep and was getting frustrated due to the fact that the hotel room was very small in size and I felt claustrophobic and isolated. I couldn’t get out and that was bloody terrifying. I curled myself into a ball and cried while he tried to help me get my breathing regular. This was the first big panic attack I’ve had and it was with my boyfriend. Romantic, right?
But I felt so ashamed and horrible and felt like I ruined our amazing night of drinking, eating nachos, chips, the whole night was great but then I messed everything up by having a panic attack. He told me that of course I didn’t ruin anything, of course not but I couldn’t let that feeling go that I did ruin the night for a couple of days and sometimes it still plays at the back of my mind.
I am so glad that I didn’t have to go through that on my own and had him there by my side and that he understood what I was going through and left me have my own space which means a lot to me still that he just sat there but he was there every single second for me.
But growing up, the anxiety that has always hit me like a ton of bricks is social anxiety. I was never the ‘cool’ kid in school, I always felt pressured when walking into class and everyone turns to me. I always hated PE lessons where I had to stand around doing something that I hated. I hated it so much that sometimes I would go to my art class and just work on my art work with some friends.
Moving to university was a big step forward in terms of anxiety. Of course it is. University is a massive step in anyone’s life no matter who you are or how much anxiety you have; university is a big step from college and school. I’ve never been one for big parties, drunken states, any of that stuff, which of course, university is full off. But since I’ve come to university, I feel that my anxiety has gotten better. I said to myself before starting uni that I would do more. Explore more. Make more friends. DO STUFF. And I think I have done that. Yes, I need to work on some stuff but I’ve been to parties, got drunk, been in nightclubs, socialised more, joined societies, I’ve even been on the student radio. I mean, come on, that’s a big step forward right? *claps myself on the back*.
If you’re moving to university soon and you’re worried that you are too anxious for the whole atmosphere, I get you. You’re not the only one. If nightclubs are not your thang, then I’m sure you can find a society in the university that you can take part in. Going into my second year, I feel like I’m in a better place for my university experience. I’m less lost. But I guess you get lost a lot in the first year at university. But I do feel like I’m in a good place and with my anxiety, I’m getting better at it. I’m doing more, exploring me, venturing out more, which is mostly due to having Ryan by my side, thank you Ryan, you’re the best.
Some days I’m fine, other days all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out, but anxiety isn’t something that isn’t going to go away in a second or two. It’s always going to be there, it just needs to be managed better and right now, I think it’s managed okay right now.
That’s it for today! I hope you enjoyed the post and if you’ve got anxiety, you’re not alone. Talk to someone, whoever, just talk to someone and let people help you. That’s something I’ve got to work on; accepting help and stop pushing people away. One step at a time, eh?
Thanks for reading! If you want to get in touch then email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and/or follow me on Twitter: @terrettcorey