Today’s blog post is another *personal* blog post. Today, I want to talk about discovering who you are as a person and feeling content with that. I’ll be talking about my own story and my own experiences and hope it will help some people reading this but most of all, I think it would be good for myself to just write them down and express it all.
For years, I’ve been trying to find out who I am as a person, I guess that’s just being a teenager, we, as teenagers, are constantly trying to figure out who we are as an individual, trying to claim our own identity as a person, as a human, as who we are. I, myself, have gone through many styles to see if I can create an identity for myself. From the emo look to the colourful goth (there is such a thing, right?), I’ve tried it all. And none of them worked, maybe in the moment at that time, but overall? Not so much.
But most of all of discovering myself and who I am is by my sexuality. Growing up, I have always been attracted to women, both mentally and physically. But growing up, going through college, I started to get more attracted to men. I found them attractive but I told myself that I would never do anything with them. Just that I found them hot.
Over time, I realised that it was more than just liking their outfits and thinking they were hot. I actually started to fall for guys, not in a relationship sense, but just had more feelings for them than just finding them hot and I didn’t know how to deal with that.
Starting university, that was another chapter in my life of trying to find my identity as a person and what I can be. I knew that with the huge heap of independence, this was a new start for me. To move away from the crap past in school and college and just live my life the way that I want too. In Uni, I started to be more confident, open myself up more, let my guard down and let people in, with people that I can safely call friends.
While in the middle of uni, I was again, confronted by these thoughts of: who am I? Where do I belong? Am I gay? Am I straight? Am I bi? Am i… anything? I’m sure we all get these thoughts, but for me, these were big thoughts racing around my mind, sometimes, being overwhelming. But then, in the end of my first year at uni, I fell in love, with a guy. Ryan.
We was doing Grease (the musical) together and we just instantly clicked. I’ve never had these feelings before for anyone, never mind their gender, these feelings were new and alien to me. But I liked them. We’ve been together for over three months and I am in the best place I’ve ever been in my life. I talked a lot about this in my blog post on anxiety and I do have my wobbles and my bad days but not so bad when he’s by my side.
He’s made me feel more confident, not because of him mainly but because he has helped me, myself, unlock something in me and now this burst of confidence has shot out of me. I am smiling more, even when we started dating, I knew we would go far and be a strong pair and we are. Like I said, I’ve never been happier.
At the start of this year, I never thought this would happen. But it has. And I’m so glad. I mean, I never expected to fall in love with a man, but I have. Right now, I don’t have a definite definition on my sexuality, I just know that I’m madly in love with Ryan. And that’s okay. Just sometimes things don’t go as you thought it would and takes a turn, and sometimes, that’s a good turn. Just like this.
Thank you Ryan. Just… thank you. I love you. You’re the best. x
Hope you enjoyed the post and if you’re going through the same stage that I did when you question who you are, your identity, your sexuality, just give it time. It all works out in the end.
See ya soon!